Every year, thousands of patents for new inventions are registered all over the world. And in this world of people who are so used to having various stuff do various stuff for them, it is inevitable that a good number of these inventions border on the inane, even useless, and more often than not, hilarious. And the world of tanning has had its share of them. Here are some crazy tanning beds and other wacky tanning products.

1. Pet Tanning Beds

This tanning bed is essentially designed to make your cats and dogs feel like its getting a lot of sun even when it’s the middle of winter. Just like humans do with a real tanning bed.

The only problem is that furry little animals don’t really need to tan, as they’re, uh, furry. A normal heater or better yet, a fireplace would have been more than enough to keep them warm.

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2. USB Desktop Tanning Center

Who says geeks who spend a third of their lives sitting in front of their computers don’t get any sun? Not anymore!

With the USB Desktop Tanning Center, they can now tan as much as they like while updating their blogs or playing games online, right in the comfort of their own world that is their cubicle.

Now if only they could make one that could tan the entire body as well…

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3. The Tan-Timer Bikini

Some British company had the brilliant idea of attaching a simple timer that beeps at 15 minute intervals to a simple bikini, and voila! We have the Tan-Timer Bikini, which is designed to remind you to turn over while tanning so you don’t get sunburned too much, or worse, fall asleep under a high noon sun.

And the manufacturers are thinking about making one for guys too! Now where do you reckon a timer would go on skimpy swimming trunks?

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4. The Squid Face Pillow

Say goodbye to strained necks and uneven tans while tanning your back with the Squid Face Pillow!

The Squid Face Pillow allows you to lie on your stomach with your face comfortably pointed straight at the ground. You can also breathe normally while in this position with its patented air flow ports.

Sounds comfy, but you know what’s weird about this product? The goofy name. Seriously, it looks less like a squid than that red ribbon which symbolizes solidarity with HIV-positive people, only yellow and uncrossed, and has its own patented air flow. Or an upside-down head of a rabbit, if you will.

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5. Stencil to Tan Name or Initials on Bathers’ Skin

Who needs tattoos to etch initials or names on skin when there’s a natural way to get it done?

In the 1920s, some genius came up with the idea of holding or taping stencils, in which names or initials are cut, on skin. They spend some time under the sun, and the sun burns the names onto the skin. Now that’s one good way of etching your partner’s name on your butt minus the pain brought about by needles.

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6. Inflatable Private Island

Crowded beach? No problem. You can now have your own Inflatable Private Island, an 8′ x 8′ platform where up to eight people can tan the whole day long, right there on the surface of the water. It has a towing strap that could be tied to an anchor to hold it in place. The problem: no anchor included, and tying this thing to rocks or boardwalk posts isn’t really an option, so you better know someone who has a real anchor or better yet, a boat, before buying this product, lest you want go drifting off into the open sea. But then again, if you have a friend who has a boat or a yacht, why bother with an inflatable island in the first place?

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7. Lawn NéoSunMore

Our friends at French company NéoSun have obliged us with the Lawn NéoSunMore, a stylish lounge which rotates 360 degrees through its armrests, without the slightest effort, and defies the movements of the sun for an even tan.

Now we’ll know what being on a microwave oven’s rotating tray is like.

Source Product Page (In French)

8. Sunblock for Nails

Who would have thought our nails need sunblock while we tan?

A company called Qnc Labs think we do, and is pushing a product creatively named “Sunblock for Nails”.

This sort of sunblock can be brushed on like nail polish to protect our fingernails from UV rays. Never mind that fingernails don’t really get sunburned, as they are primarily made up of dead and hardened keratin cells. And the company’s contention that UV light can cause nails to yellow is pretty lame.

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9. The Orbitan Swinging Tanning Lamp

Here’s another blast from the past: In the late 1940’s, the Waco Aircraft Company launched a product called Orbitan, which is essentially a sun lamp with a moving bulb. It purportedly gives the user an even tan by swinging back and forth a standard 275-watt ultraviolet bulb in a straight, level path as long as six feet. People no longer have to move themselves or the lamp to another position. Even in the 1940s, people were already too lazy enough to do something as simple as moving their bodies or moving a lamp to get a nice tan.

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10. The Manhood

This one is just so hilarious that we just have to have its picture and the product page pitch speak for itself:

An ergonomically designed product to fit above and over the male genital area. Our product is clean, safe, disposable and results with no tan line. Made from hydrophobic Ultra-Violet resistant material designed to reflect UV rays. These protectors are individually wrapped in quantities of 50 for you to display, or you may wish to purchase an attractive “Manhood” acrylic display.

A male genitalia tanning protector, ergonomically designed for anatomically fitting about the male genitalia for protecting the sensitive body parts from harmful UV rays and from tanning topical solutions during tanning. The male genitalia tanning protector comprises a material blank having a first piece and a second piece of fabricated from a tear resistant, hydrophobic, Ultra-Violet resistant material and joined together defining a pouch. A male genitalia receiving opening is centrally located on the material blank with an elastic member disposed there about. the pouch is self supporting and has a shape suitable for protectively reflection and refracting Ultra-Violet rays away from the male genitalia.

Priceless.

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